Movie A Day! 056-060: X-Rated Bears

This one is a weird update!


056 02-17 Carnal Haven (1975) 2/5
Another Carlos Tobalina double feature Peekarama from Vinegar Syndrome kicks off with this one. It’s another one of those films that has couples seeking sex therapy as a way to justify the film as educational. Which is all the excuse Tobalina needs to poorly shoot another massive, dull orgy that takes up most of the picture. I’ve recently learned that Tobalina shot most of these to show in his own theaters, which explains why they are so wonky and workman like compared to the better directors. That said, you have to kind of admire him since he wrote, shot, cast, and even scored his own films which makes him more of an auteur then most of the auteurs out there. I just wish the films weren’t so dull since the goofy dialogue can only carry things so far.


057 02-17 X-Rated: The Greatest Adult Movies of All Time (2015) 3/5
Clip show! They hit the 70’s Porno Chic era dead solid for the most part, then completely blow it by skipping the 80’s completely to concentrate on some films from the 90’s on, most that I never heard of. I’m guessing people were more interested in catalogue sales than a true list, because when you skip the 80’s, you skip the Dark Bros. and NEW WAVE HOOKERS, which is bullshit. That said, it’s not a bad starting point for anyone interested in the genre, and the interviews are pretty great featuring old and new stars.


058 02-18 Her Last Fling (1976) 2/5
A young woman is diagnosed with a fatal disease, so since this is a Carlos Tobalina movie, she uses the little time left to participate in a bunch of uninspired orgy’s. Thankfully, all that orgy-ing cures her in the end. Spoiler alert. This one wraps up the double feature with Carnal Haven, they’re certainly not the highlight of Vinegar Syndrome’s catalogue.


059 02-18 Disney Nature: Bears (2014) 4/5
The latest Disney Nature film is another winner for the series. Gorgeous photography, cute-ass bear cubs and John C. Reilly providing perfect narration, this one is the best on since AFRICAN CATS. If you’re looking for hard science, watch one of those stuffy Attenborough nature docs. If you want a cute, fun story like the old True-Life Adventures, this is the goods.


060 02-18 Millionaire: A Major Fraud (2003) 3/5
I stumbled on this one after falling down a Youtube well. It’s a program examining how Charles Ingram cheated his way to winning a million dollars on the UK version of “Who Want’s To Be A Millionaire.” Plotting with another contestant, it shows how a simple timed cough was all it took to feed him the answers. Pretty neat stuff, and I’m glad he was caught.

Bears, fraud and porn. Pretty typical, I guess. As a coincidence, I ended up listening to an episode of my favourite podcast THE DOLLOP about a guy who scammed PRESS YOUR LUCK in the 80’s. It was even more interesting then the Millionaire one, and there’s a documentary on it on youtube, so expect that review to be coming soon!

Movie A Day! 001- 010: “A New Beginning”

Decided to keep this going since I track what I watch (and read) anyway, but I’m having second thoughts and it’s all due to formatting. Depending on the browser I use, it adds spaces that I don’t want between the move number title thing and the mini-review. It’s ridiculous and drives me crazy. I have to go into the weird text editor and delete spaces added from the copying and pasting. Nice job, stupid website! So much for for finding an easier way to do this.

A weird hodge-podge of porn, cartoons, Shakespeare and special features to start the New Year.

001 01-01 I Am Always Ready (1978) 1.5/5
This is the second feature on Vinegar Syndrome’s PeekaRama disc with THE ULTIMATE PLEASURE, and boy, was it the lesser film. Another Carlos Tobalina title, this one is about a woman who comes into some cash and decides to make a porn film so she can meet John Holmes, and that’s just the opening 3 minutes! I thought I was watching the trailer! The rest of the film is scene after uninspired scene of the porn being shot. It’s dull with nothing to elevate it and will have you reaching for the fast forward button since the horrendous wigs and set dressing are more entertaining.

002 01-01 The “Scanners” Way (2014) 4/5
I watched all the special features on Criterion’s SCANNERS blu-ray that I watched last October. They’re all really good, the main doc going into all aspects of the filming, including the legendary head exploding scene (achieved via SHOTGUN BLAST!), and the rest featuring new and classic interviews with the key players. You typically can’t go wrong with Criterion, and this is no exception.

003 01-01 Frozen (2013) 3/5
This is the Disney film about the Ice Queen, not the horror film about a trio of skiers stuck on a ski lift. This one was good, there are some fun characters and even better, a kickass “Girl Power” vibe. These Princesses don’t need no Prince Charming to save them and who new Veronica Mars could sing like that? My problem with the film is my typical one with modern animation. The CGI characters look ugly and generic with zero personality and there are way too many songs in the first three quarters. Disney seems to think animated features are the same as Broadway musicals. As a result, the story pacing is completely killed. I liked the little snowman guy, and his little music video summer song thing was cute, but completely unnecessary to the narrative. Cut half the songs (not “Let It Go”, that one was actually placed perfectly) and I’d add another star. The ski lift FROZEN also got three stars from me, in case anyone was curious. Also, the new Mickey Mouse short on the blu-ray was pretty great. Man, I miss “Rubber Hose” animation.

https://i1.wp.com/ih1.redbubble.net/image.15879118.1519/flat,550x550,075,f.jpg

004 01-01 Stereo (1969) 2/5
This is the last of the bonus features on Criterion’s SCANNERS blu-ray. It’s David Cronenberg’s first film! It’s simply not very good! It’s more of an experimental art film about a Canadian testing on telepathy. So it sounds like a prequel to SCANNERS, but it’s not. A group of people silently (there is no soundtrack) wander around a testing facility, communicating only by telepathy. The only spoken words are chunks of narration throughout explaining the technical experiments that aren’t really being shown. So despite being incredibly well shot and looking fantastic in stark black and white, nothing really happens and my brain just kept buzzing away.

005 01-02 Joe (2013) 4/5
Thanks to the internet and some whack-o parts in the past, people forget just how great Nic Cage can be. Like in this movie, which is one of the darker, more bleak films you see in the “Southern Gothic” genre. I’m guessing that’s what you’d call it. Anyway, Nic is the title character who helps out a kid in town whose dad is a degenerate drunk. A hell of a film that goes all the way, like films of this type should. As a bonus, Cage does a bit where he teaches the kid how to make a “cool face”, which when demonstrated, is the face Cage makes ALL THE TIME. (Make your face like you’re in horrible pain, then smile. That’s the secret Cage Cool Face, I expect pictures.)

Macbeth Movie Poster

006 01-03 The Tragedy of Macbeth (1971) 4.5/5
I’m no Shakespeare expert, far from it. Macbeth would be my favourite of the plays though, and this one is one of my favourite movies based on his works. Roman Polanski shoots this one like a movie, not a play, and with the sets and exteriors you forget you’re watching one of the most famous plays every performed and instead get swept up in the story of the doomed Scottish king. There’s not a single bad performance, the wordplay is accessible and since everything is done realistically, everything seems dripping in fog, dirt and blood. It actually plays as much like a horror film than it does a typical tragedy, and I highly recommend the new Criterion blu-ray that looks breathtaking, especially since my only exposure to the film prior was via a VHS dupe since this one seems to be one of the more forgotten films of Polanski’s filmography.

007 01-03 SexWorld (1977) 4/5
First there was WestWorld, then FutureWorld, of course there should have been a SexWorld since really, all those movies are about are fucking robots. This one is directed by legendary Anthony Spinelli, and he gets a higher budget than the porno chic films typically gets and it shows. Featuring many stars, including cult favourites Annette Haven and Kay Parker (her film debut), this one surprisingly hedges on the Sci-Fi elements (so after three films of robot sex, we never learn who has to clean the cum out of them) and instead deals more with the emotional aspects of being able to live your sexual fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nearly wall to wall sex scenes, but they’re presented in a way that it feels like a “proper” film instead of a loop carrier. So this is a good one, and the Vinegar Syndrome blu-ray puts to shame many legit releases from the major companies from the same period.

008 01-04 Toil & Trouble: Making “Macbeth” (2014) 4/5
009 01-04 Polanski Meets Macbeth (1971) 4/5
These are the main two documentaries on the Criterion blu-ray reviewed above, and both are exactly what you want to see. The first one from 2014 features recent interviews on the history of the film, while the other is a shot on set look at Polanski actually making the movie. They perfectly complement each other without being repetitive and are well worth watching on their own. The other extras, a couple of TV clips, one with the writer of the film on Dick Cavett and the other has Polanski debating Macbeth adaptations with a theatrical director are great as well. So in typical Criterion Collection fashion, this is about as thorough a set as anyone will need for this film.

010 01-04 Throne of Blood (1957) 4/5
Figured I go all out and watch Akira Kurosawa’s adaptation of Macbeth as well. They do a fantastic job adapting the play to feudal Japan, with some neat substitutions like evil spirits in the forest instead of witches. Otherwise, it’s “Macbeth” in plot and Toshiro Mifune is as god as ever in the title role.

Boy, just look at that Criterion cover art for MACBETH. Pretty great eh?

Well, there it is, a new year, an old blog, and more movies no one else is watching. Ten films in 4 days, though most were just around the hour mark so it’s a bit of a cheat. Fun? I hope so. Maybe this year I’ll make it out to the theaters a bit so there are actual current, helpful reviews. (Don’t hold your breath though….)

Movie A Day! 397-407: Last Christmas To The Head

We have nearly made it, only a few days left and 2014 is put to rest. Everyone making out okay? This time of year can feel like survival sometimes. My holidays are going okay, so far. It’s been mostly quiet and low key, which is what I wanted. It’s the first Christmas without dad, and mum and I are accepting it quietly while cracking the odd joke about how dad wouldn’t be impressed with us and our celebration since we’re going small.

I passed 400 titles this past week. Not bad. Watched some great, classic films, and some not so great films. As per usual. Here they are!

397 12-21 Christmas Evil (1980) 4/5
My (and John Waters) favourite Christmas movie looking fantastic on Blu-ray via Vinegar Syndrome! This one came out in the midst of slasher mania and was obviously designed to be the Christmas version of HALLOWEEN. Surprisingly, they went more psychological, so the first half plays more like a TAXI DRIVER style character study before going completely loopy. Believe me, it gets deliriously loopy, so check it out.

398 12-23 Kelly Clarkson’s Cautionary Christmas Music Tale (2013) 3/5
Yup, still watching Christmas specials. This one was one of the better ones mainly because Clarkson can sing anything in a way that doesn’t drive you up the walls. The sketches aren’t as good as the performances, but the performances are all good and Clarkson has a fun personality.

399 12-23 Masterchef Canada Holiday Special (2014) 3/5
Stumbled on this one. They brought back 5 contestants from Season one, who along with their families compete in cooking challenges with the winning family getting $10,000 for their favourite charity. It was surprisingly fun, and since it’s Canadian, everyone was happy, working together and having a good joyous cry instead of baiting and trying to screw everyone over like the American version.

400 12-24 Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls (1979) 4/5
This is one of the porno chic titles that gets tossed around as being a classic so it was nice to finally view it via Vinegar Syndrome’s release. Directed by Bob Chinn, this one fits right in with the teen sex comedies that were popular at the time. Think of PORKY’S or ANIMAL HOUSE type comedies, except with hardcore sex. John Holmes starts as an owner of a pizza shop who has a gang of sexy, skateboarding delivery girls who deliver pizzas throughout San Francisco on their skateboard as a cover for hooking. There is a mysterious “Chicken Rapist” out to get them, run by a fried chicken group who want to put the Pizza Girls out of business. Desiree Cousteau is back playing her naive dumbbell persona that she did so well in PRETTY PEACHES, and future feminist porn director Candida Royalle is memorable as well as one of the Pizza Girls. Cut out the porn, and it would still be a fun and funny little film.

401 12-25 2014 Disney Parks Christmas ‘Frozen’ Parade (2014) 2.5/5
This was on Christmas morning and was probably your last chance to see Ariana Grande soullessly warble out a Christmas song. Seriously, if it was a variety type special from this year, Grande was part of it. I guess she won the magic ticket.

402 12-25 All Is Lost (2013) 3/5
This one has Robert Redford as a guy dealing with sail boat that has a hole in it. In a twist, that it all this movie is about. All of it. No kidding. A guy on a boat, by himself. So your enjoyment will be based on if you don’t mind watching a guy on a boat with a hole in it for ninety minutes. I liked it, and I thought Redford did a really good job. That said, I don’t think I’m going to be spinning it a ton. It’s a neat experiment and change of pace, but not completely successful. I have a sneaky feeling that this one was made as Oscar bait to get Redford a statue.

403 12-26 The Green Mile (1999) 4.5/5
This is the best of Frank Darabont’s Stephen King prison novel adaptations, which is saying something since the other one he did was THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. I like this one better though, since it has gruesome executions and Tom Hanks pissing all over the place to balance the sentimentality that is borderline over-sentimental. Plus it has that god damned mouse!

404 12-27 Doctor Who Christmas Special – Last Christmas (2014) 2/5
405 12-27 Black Mirror – White Christmas (2014) 4/5
These should be the last of the Christmas specials for me. Doctor Who had Nick Frost as Santa, sorry, as Father Christmas since it’s British. Anyway, he was a great Father Christmas but the episode dealt with Jenna and her dumb boyfriend. For fuck sakes, that shit was wrapped up in the season finale! I thought we were done with her and her horseshit. I’ll give next season a chance, but I’m far from excited for it.

I never did watch BLACK MIRROR SEASON 2, and I’m going to rectify that toot-sweet since this Christmas special was excellent. John Hamm and some other guy are working at some unexplained job on Christmas, and Hamm is telling stories of what brought him to the isolated outpost. It’s smart and cynical, Brooker has a dead tight script and Hamm has never been better. I want more Black Mirror please, even though season two is supposed to be a bit dodgy.

406 12-27 Bullet To The Head (2012) 2/5
Walter Hill finally gets a new movie out, and it sucked. Walking human Growth hormone experiment Sylvester Stallone is a hitman who gets set-up on a bad job and has to work with a cop to sort things out. It hits every dumb cliche there is to hit. The cop is Korean, so there is way too many Asian jokes at his expense to get a pass in this day and age, and 90% of the dialogue seems to be exposition to explain what the characters are doing, and why they are defying all common sense and logic. So skip this one.

407 12-27 Oui, Girls (1981) 2/5
A detective goes undercover at a swingers ranch to solve a murder. I think that’s the plot. This one was spoken of pretty highly in the book THE OTHER SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD, and was considered to be director F.J. Lincoln’s best film. As a porno, it’s not bad, but as a movie it just didn’t make any sense with way too many plot holes. I know, it’s a porn, but I expected more. Pizza Girls delivered a plot, no reason this one shouldn’t have. F.J. Lincoln is also mostly known for his role as one of the attackers in Wes Cravin’s LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, so between that and the hype from the book, this one was a let down.

That’s it for now. There will be one more post, The wrap up for 2014! I’ll try to post it this week anyway.

I’m on the fence with continuing this blog into 2015. It’s actually a bit of work writing these dumb mini-reviews and finding the posters and math. Ugh. Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Movie A Day! : 161-167 – “Invasion of the Bees”

Another week, another blog. I’ve managed to stick to my 3 times a week workout as discussed previously. It’s slow going, but good. The eating part isn’t going as well sadly. I feel the need to eat the snacks I own so you know, FAT! I’m off work the next couple of weeks, just a staycation. I had some plans, but I feel like scrapping them. I’m used to being alone and whenever I have time to myself I just hermit. It’s got to be depression right? I’m not SAD, but I’m not happy either. Just nothing. Let’s fill the void with movies! HUZZAH! I managed to watch two different movies largely about bees. Accidental theme week!

161 07-14 Wings of Life (2011/2013?) 3.5/5

One of the jewels in the Disney crown, back when Walt still ran the show, was the TRUE-LIFE ADVENTURES series of feature films and shorts. Basically nature documentaries that told fun little stories of the animals depicted. What they may of lacked in hard science they more than made up for in entertainment and won the studio a slew of Oscars. All but abandoned, in the past 10 or so years Disney relaunched the series under the DISNEYNATURE banner, and every release has been really great. If you love the critters, and boy do I love critters, these dumb movies will have you squeeing all over the place, probably with tears in your eyes. This one wasn’t as good though. It looked like it was going to tell the story of bugs and butterflies and what not, and it does, but it’s all centered from the flowers point of view. Which is cool and novel, but it all gets a bit much in the narrative department and there’s never the tense, dangerous moments to really stir you up. That said, the photography is absolutely astonishing, and even the heavy handed environmental message (about the bee situation that actually is as dire and deserving of heavy handed attention as any ecological threat) makes it all work. It’s just no AFRICA CATS which has you going out of your mind watching lions raise their kittens. (All baby cat like things are kittens, I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.)

162 07-14 Ernie Kovacs: Take A Good Look (1959-1961) 4/5

This was a bonus disc included with the previously reviewd 6 disc set. It features nearly 3 hours of episodes from Kovacs TAKE A GOOD LOOK game show. It’s a panel show where three celebrities have to guess who a special guest is, based on three sets of clues. Kovacs had free range to produce the clues as skits, and you’ll never see more baffling surreal clues in a game show. It’s genuinely hilarious, and I could easily watch this 50 year old game show every day.

163 07-16 Zatoichi and the Doomed Man (1965) 3.5/5

Another fine installment. I think this one is film 11, so I’m not quite halfway through the initial series. This one see’s Zatoichi getting wrapped up in more yakuza troubles after being forced to help an innocent man sentenced to death. Not much more to say, the plot is a bit simpler than the previous one, but it’s still a fine film. The character continues to grow, he actively tries to avoid getting mixed up in all the intrigue, it’s pretty much a force of fate that guides him. The swordplay is typically excellent, this one featuring even longer takes of the flashing blade that genuinely makes things breathtakingly exciting. I’m going to continue to ration these to one a week, but I could easily binge watch this set.

164 07-19 Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973) 3/5

I think this one is a knock-off of “The Stepford Wives”, though it beat the film version of the book to the box office. It’s a pretty goofy Sci-Fi horror about a town where men are winding up dead after having sex, due to Bee Girls which behave like queen bees and fuck men to death. It’s pretty sleazy, with most of the exploitation tropes of the era on full display, which makes it a fun watch. I have to admit, I’d fall for a Bee Girl, they’re pretty fabulous with their big sunglasses on.

Buzzz Buzzz!

165 07-19 God Bless Ozzy Osbourne (2011) 3.5/5

After the success of THE OSBOURNES, Ozzy became a pop culture joke. This documentary, produced by his son Jack, helps put him back into context as one of the most successful singers in music. It covers all the basics as far as a documentary goes, from his poverty riddled childhood right up to this 60th birthday and finally celebrating sobriety. In fact, the whole thing is really about his struggle with addiction. Since I only knew the very basics of his story, I found this genuinely interesting.

166 07-19 Bijou (1972) 4/5

This was Wakefiled Poole’s follow up to his hit film BOYS IN THE SAND. This one too is a hardcore gay porn, but the step up in quality is massive. Where as BOYS was basically a loop carrier of 3 vignettes, this one has a proper plot. A construction worker witnesses a woman get hit by a car on his way home, and snatches her purse that falls at his feet. Once home, he discovers a ticket to “Bijou”, and goes there. This one is silent like his other pictures, but the level of craft is surprising considered it was largely shot in his own apartment. His skill as a theatrical producer really shines, as well as his use of in camera double exposures and what not. So instead of playing like a porno for the raincoat crowd, it really feels more at home as an art film since the mood and shots allow for different interpretations. For example; you’re never sure if the lead is straight or gay. It’s things like this that elevate it. As per usual, Vinegar Syndrome put this out looking beautiful with some nice extras, including an introduction and commentary by Poole that was interesting and informative.

167 07-20 Jackass Presents : Bad Grandpa (Extended Cut) 3.5/5

Liked this one in the theater, and really enjoyed revisiting is with the extended cut. Not much different between the two I don’t think, just scenes playing out a little longer so you get more ball sack. If you like Jackass, I’m sure you’ll like this. If you hate Jackass, then you should probably skip it.

There we are! Not a bad week of movie watching. I just got a load of Criterion releases in the mail as I was prepping this, so theirs a chance we might be seeing some fancier movies in next weeks round up. You will come back to see right? Remember to share and like this if you can. Maybe I can get rich with a popular blog? HA!

The End